A Work In Progress

Why do I take moments and ruin them Grace wants to play with me and instead I worry about why she keeps losing her Barbie shoes. I nag, I lecture, I get all up in my head with obsession about not losing things. I hate myself for being this way. I'm a horrible Mum when I'm like this but it feels once the switch flicks, I can't turn it off.  No wonder she wants to play with Chad and not be with me. I'm hard work and ruin things that should be fun. Will try to see if I can convince her to be with me and watch a movie.

When you are single, you are able to be blissfully selfish. All the money you earn is spent of you! All the time you have is yours! And then you meet a guy, fall in love and have a wonderful little girl. You want nothing more for them to be happy and all that they need and want.  It's easy, until you get sick. Or what other people needs conflicts with your little families needs. Then you have to prioritise.  My little family of three is my world. My heart is full with love for them. Every now and then I feel conflicted as the people who were my number one till my family appeared might feel cross or left out. And then my anxiety strikes. You can 't make everyone happy. You have to make choices. And you hope people understand that your love for them us not diminished, even if you time has.

 As you start the journey of being a Mum, you realise that the hard stuff is not when they are babies, its when they are walking talking little people with hopes and dreams and challenges and and fears. Sometimes I feel her memories of me will be good. She will remember my love for her, the time we spend creating, playing barbies and snuggling up close and talking. I hope she won't remember how much I need to sleep (suspect that will stick with her though!!) or times like at the moment when I am so anxious that I get short tempered with her. I know each moment is available to learn from the past and every day is a chance to cement positive memories of me in her brain. Life is about continuous improvement. I hope she will always know that I have her back through thick and thin, even when I'm a grumpy mum at times.  And in time, if depression and anxiety visit her (I hope they don't), I may share my journey and help her craft her own through that challenge. It will be okay.

I'm glad the world has sour lollies.