A Work In Progress

Today we went to Kip McGrath for an assessment before Grace starts tutoring. It was a long session and Grace worked really hard. As I'm feeling unwell it was torturous to wait when all I want to do is sleep and for my brain fog to clear. I'm excited for the journey as I know it will help Grace catch up, and in time, get ahead of her peers.  I want her to have a love of learning as I do. I want her to be driven and competitive to get ahead, but I know she is her own person and I have to respect that. I think right now I'm just mentally and physically exhausted and just want things to slow down so I can rest. But I'll soldier on and try my best.  "This too shall pass."

 Am on the second day of my new meds. I am utterly exhausted and in a mental fog, but trying to hold things together.  Its funny how anxiety sits in the pit of your stomach, and nothing seems to make it disappear until it is ready to go. That feeling of "impending doom" floats around and I know I have to fight it and not let people see the turmoil I am in. I know I am strong and one day, when Grace is old enough, I will let her read this blog so she can see that the strength that runs through me, also runs through her and she can take on anything. I hope one day the dread I feel about the house and Dad will pass, and I know that doing something rash like selling the house before we have upgraded things would be silly and shortsighted. I just have to be strong and manage my fears and tackle them only if/when they become real.  It is so hard but I have to try.

This weekend we kick off Grace's extra learning support. While it is expensive, I feel it is the most important gift we can give her right now. I'm seeking out a couple of specialists to help me manage my meds and my racing heart stuff. It will all be fine, just sometimes feeling plate if full. In true Catherine fashion, I'm also trying to solve issues before they occur. Typical me, trying to find ways to make everyone happy. Now is not the time to make big decisions. I need to slow down and breathe and stop my brain from causing more anxiety. I've been doing a lot of reading about the brain and trying to learn more techniques. There are no cures, just learn to manage.

This weekend we are looking after my boss's new puppy. She is very sweet, but very much a puppy!! Lots of accidents, lots of sleepless nights.  I've made a virtual photo album of her for her family.

Another night of broken sleep. Started well, but Grace came in at 1am with a bad dream. It's okay, I can survive with not a lot of sleep. But hate that the bags under my eyes!! So much on at work, I love it, and love the role I play in the team and the mentoring I get to do with my team. Just really wish this year could slow down but actually workload is really just ramping up!! Good news is my anxiety is reducing. I'm off my anxiety meds and coping so much better with my racing thoughts. Tomorrow I have to see Grace's teacher about her progress. I know she'll need extra help and it's hard not to feel like a failure as a parent. Her issues lie with lack of confidence rather than lack of ability. A Mum's job is to build your confidence and help you feel safe to take risks. I feel I'm letting her down as I run out of time to support her learning as I should. Chad tries, but he's tired after work and it's unfair to expect him to want to drive lessons wi...

Today we had my boss, her family and their new puppy come visit. Truffle loved playing with a new friend and hes going to love having her stay for four days next weekend! The only downside is Chad now wants another dog. Sigh. Yesterday we went down to Pukekohe to celebrate Chad's nephews 12th birthday. It was a long day but nice to see everyone. With all this socialising, I'm exhausted but trying to keep energised for Grace and Chad. My anxiety continues to follow me like a shadow. No logic seems to squash it and now that I'm changing my meds, it's going to be hard for the next few weeks. I know I'm avoiding triggers, but it's not the solution. Right now it feels like I need to or I'll fall again, but I've got to face my fears or I'll end up isolating myself. I'm reading books to help remind me how anxiety works from a medical perspective and using my tools to try and relax. I'm taking a low dose of my anti anxiety meds but as they are highly...

Last night Grace asked me to remove the hair between her eyebrows. I asked her why and she said it made her look different. She said no one had teased her, she had just noticed. I told her how beautiful she is and she said she knows. We talked some more, snuggled up in bed and then I agreed to do it.  So I used a tiny bit of hair removal cream to just remove onlt a tiny bit of hair in the middle. She was thrilled. Not really sure what the parenting rules say on this. I always said to myself that if something was bothering her that we would talk and deal with it. With girls, the subject of hair removal was always going to come up and she has asked me before about what I do.  I don't have plans to maintain it regularly unless she asks. Certainly not going to shape them further. Man, just when I thought my anxiety about Dad was subsiding, now I've got anxiety about my beautiful girl. Look at that sleeping face. Still a baby but already facing thoughts about her appearance. ...

 Today I turn 45. Life is good, but my brain sometimes forgets that. I am finding my anxiety gets worse and worse as I get older and creates days when I truly can't get out of bed and then have to deal with the "hangover" effects for days and days afterwards. It is so hard battling this, it feels so awful and so overwhelming and impacts so many people around me. I know I am strong and I will survive through it but when you are in the middle of an episode it feels like everything is crumbling and can not be rebuilt. So I break the day down into small pieces to make them manageable.  I try to control my racing brain and focus on what I know to be true; that I am loved, that I am safe and that I will get through this. For now I will focus on trying to change my meds (which will be a hard journey) and staying focused on being positive. It will be okay.

Grace's undies. Dont worry, she didn't take them off and throw them out the window!! They fell off the line, onto Chad's car and then flew off his bonnet when he drove out. Made me giggle though.