A Work In Progress

We walk and walk and enjoy the calm that is Taupo in autumn. My soul still is in turmoil with anxiety creeping in. Just gotta push it away and not go down the rabbit hole. A new student is joining us on Sunday, an emergency placement as her current homestay is turning a bit pear shaped (seems like the mum in the family is verbally abusive). Extra money will help so we can build reserves in case my work dries up. I worry about that so much. We have so much still to invest in the house to make it suitable to sell, and even then it will take time. Not that Chad wants to sell or me either,  I just don't want to be in debt anymore. We'll see. I just need to take one moment at a time right now

But I'm okay, it's all part of having a busy time down here at Taupo. Grace has made a cafe in the lounge and taking orders. Truffle is lounging on the couch after a big walk. And the kitchen still needs to be cleaned up after baking. A good day. Beast of anxiety suppressed by keeping my brain busy. It's the quiet of evening I dread as my brain has time to churn. So I read books and just focus on thinking just one step ahead.

Another day in beautiful Taupo and another anxiety attack. I have to hide it from my family so I don't bring down the mood. I hate my brain so much. Booked into see a specialist but won't be until June. So I need to cope till then. Mind you, its not likely he'll have a silver bullet solution. We went for a walk down by the river today. I love it there. Its nice to be close to nature and away from work. I've got to try and stay away from emails for the rest of this week. I don't want to get stressed with work dramas on top of my anxiety. I hate me brain so much. It is so hard to cope when you are living in fear everyday. I have to be so strong. And I know I can be. I know I can.

Spending time in Taupo with my little family makes me happy. I walk the same roads I have for the last 40 years and it feels safe and familiar. It's my favourite season too, cool and crisp. Perfect for reading, board games and walks in the autumn sun. Anxiety still hovers near, but I'm beating it back with all that I can. Time to breathe and relax and focus on my bear and my teeny. 

 After a couple of weeks of starting to feel better, I am back in anxiety land. Major panic attack yesterday (fortunately was able to hide at work) and another one today (right before a meeting - arrgghh!!). Anxiety grips your heart and makes it pound, It makes your brain fog and you cant focus. Physically you sweat, feel weak and struggle to breathe. It is hard, especially when it comes out of the blue and you can't escape to recover I wonder when the time comes for Grace to read this blog if she will be able to relate to any of this. I really hope not as I would not wish this condition on anyone. Fighting with your brain is hard work. Trying to pick yourself up when you are falling apart so that you can deliver to all of your commitments is exhausting. And yet I will keep on, one foot in front in front of the other and focus on things that make me happy! Today is four years since Chad and I were married! Its been a lovely four years (eight in total together) and I feel safe and s...

So who else's dog started the Easter Egg hunt early and ate two chocolate eggs..... Luckily not enough to harm him but man I feel like a bad dog owner. He's so clever opening the closed door. Sigh.