Just breathe...and celebrate four years with an amazing man

After a couple of weeks of starting to feel better, I am back in anxiety land. Major panic attack yesterday (fortunately was able to hide at work) and another one today (right before a meeting - arrgghh!!). Anxiety grips your heart and makes it pound, It makes your brain fog and you cant focus. Physically you sweat, feel weak and struggle to breathe. It is hard, especially when it comes out of the blue and you can't escape to recover

I wonder when the time comes for Grace to read this blog if she will be able to relate to any of this. I really hope not as I would not wish this condition on anyone. Fighting with your brain is hard work. Trying to pick yourself up when you are falling apart so that you can deliver to all of your commitments is exhausting.

And yet I will keep on, one foot in front in front of the other and focus on things that make me happy! Today is four years since Chad and I were married! Its been a lovely four years (eight in total together) and I feel safe and strong with him by my side.

Happy anniversary Mr Mclaren! I love you very much.

Everyone is growing up

Turning 50 is a weird milestone - I dont feel 50, and I dont really put a lot of weight behind milestone numbers. But I do like reflecting on life, and I feel I have grown, learnt from many of my mistakes, and lived a pretty great life. The biggest change is watching just how much Grace has grown this year. Today I washed some of her baby clothes that I found so I can store them and it took me right back to when my whole clothes line had tiny little outfits on it. This year, she everything has changed and I am in so much grief for the loss of some of the old routines, it hurts!! She is still my little button and I see that side of her when she is unsure or overwhelmed. I need to manage my patience through these growing phases, as my sister said "give her space and grace". She is the kindest, funniest and sweetest girl and I love her so much that it honestly hurts. I hope she knows that. She seems to have all my worst moments front of mind that I wonder at times if she sees ...

Picture of an 11 year olds desk

Grace has her desk in the family room, mainly due to space in her room but also to help her not lock herself away. She just finished tidying it and I love how it represents where she is at. Lots of art, Lego still displayed proudly, pillow on chair covering her phone ( she is still adhering to the no phone in her room rule, yay!), pottery on display. A beautiful blend of child and teenager!

Updates

Spot Update: Day Three days since we found out Grace's best friend has chicken pox. So far, no spots on my cheurb. Puppy Countdown Update: Dog sitting confirmed for 16th Sept to 10th Oct. How hard can it be? Italian Student Update: One week left. I will miss his critic of my pasta cooking, but grateful my lasagna passed the "Italian test"

A Work In Progress

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