A Work In Progress

Starting a new job is exciting and daunting. My brain of course focuses on the daunting stuff. Feeling so anxious that it's hard to do things other but I also can't stay still as my brain thinks to much. It will be fine. I will be okay and will get through this. I know it will.

Lovely stay at Taupo. Managed so far to keep busy so I don’t let the anxiety monster in. I hope one day I can sit with my thoughts instead of having to keep my brain busy or medicate it to stop spiraling.

Today Grace has a Mufti Day. They have to wear bright colours. Grace was so excited this morning and had the idea yo do a side pony. She them locked at the mirror and said "I look like a gang fighter! No one's going to recognise me!!" She has also learnt how to wink, hence the ne closed eye. She is so beautiful.

 Miss Grace got to attend a birthday party this weekend, at a Rock Climbing Centre. Much like I would be, she was dreading it. She last went when she was five and only tried to climb one wall and go about a metre off the ground, with me holding her!! This time, she is older, more aware that her friends will be doing this, feeling more pressure to give it a go, but also really scared!  We chatted about giving things a try, how safe it was, and set ourselves a goal of climbing up to my height. Man I was so proud of her, she gave it her all, she didn't give up and she reached her goal. There were nerves and quiet tears but she did it!! She has a great friend Izzy who is an amazing cheerleader and so supportive.  It was also cool to see how Grace interacts with her peers, and the tools she uses to fit in and feel comfortable. The quiet signals she gives me when she needs support. Growing up is hard, I hope she can keep a supportive group around her to have her back and allow ...

Three working days left before I finish at Skills. Already suffering panic attacks which put a dampener on our fifth anniversary celebrations yesterday. Only option is keeping busy.  So I've made curtains. I'm trying to sort through my backlog of junk in my study. I'm dreading the time off between jobs as its more time to think. I just have to keep busy. Not think. I knowcits not a way to live, but I don't know how else to cope. I'm stopping drinking as that can be too easy to use to numb the pain. Just keep moving, keep busy and don't think. Hate being this broken.

 Yesterday we were out shopping. Grace then announced she needed to go to the bathroom, and I was really cross. We were in the middle of finding things in Spotlight and I always tell her to go before we leave. Anyway, left Chad in the store and went next door to the cafe to use their bathroom. As we left we walked past a girl about 18, facing a wall and shaking and crying. She was a waitress in the cafe.  I stopped and asked if she was okay and realised she was having a panic attack - she was struggling to breathe and in full-body shakes. I told Grace to stand near me and stood with the girl trying to coach her to slow her breathing. All these people surrounded us and I told them to give her space and get her a chair. Grace called Chad so he could come out of the store to be with her. People kept asking if they should get her an ambulance and I said they could call but we may be able to work through this (which we need up being able to do). I told the girl to focus on me. She ...