A Work In Progress

We are enjoying the sun at Maraetai Beach and it feels good to be out and about. I'm still battling my anxious brain but am working to keep things together. Right now I'm watching Grace in the sea with Chad. She is trying to build up the confidence to get deeper in (it's been an hour and she is only up to her waist!!!) I'm sitting under the umbrella watching the water and breathing in the ocean air. I will be fine. I am confident in how strong I am.

Feeling better day and using breathing to keep the anxiety monster at bay. We have lots of social activities in our calendar which on one side helps keep my mind busy but on the other can be stressful (and expensive!) in it's own right. Yesterday at the Botanic Gardens we saw a sculpture that resonated with me. I dont mean to sound melancholy, as I'm not depressed, but it captures that feeling of wanting to hide from the world when anxiety hits. The good news is that it will pass and I know I can tackle anything that life throws at me. I'm strong, and resilient. I fight monsters everyday and I win. I got this!!!

Was a beautiful day at the park today. We walked, we laughed, we ate ice cream. It helped me escape my head for a while and that felt good.

We've had a nice and slow holiday so far, which is helping me to get my brain and body back on course. It's been hard coping with this round of anxiety and part of me is annoyed as I know it means I'm wasting my holiday as I'm not getting through my chore list, but these things happen. Today, after a lovely sleep in with all of us snuggled in the same bed, we are heading to the botanical gardens with Truffle for fresh air and sunshine.  Will do my soul good.

Fear is a horrible thing to live with. And essentially that is what anxiety is, living in a state of fear. The annoying part is the fear for me is about what might happen. In the past, I have developed coping mechanisms that rely on me planning scenarios and how I will respond. This is partnered with how I will placate people so they don't get cross or disappointed in me. This has approach served me pretty well but 2019 really showed me that it's not so easy to operate this way when you have a family of your own. Trying to manage their happiness as well as trying to help my sister and not let my Dad down has caused me too much self inflicted stress over the last couple of years. I say self inflicted because no one is asking me to work this way and in fact they desperately want me to be at peace! It is just how I was able to operate when I was single with a very high income. I could keep people happy, do things their way or use my money to help out others in need. I haven...

2019 has been a year that has really tested my mental health. From buying a house (that we really can't afford), Grace starting school, and then changing schools, my work going through massive change, Chad off work for three months plus numerous family things that fill my brain, I have struggled at times. I have sort help, and tried to learn new ways to cope as it is clear that my coping behaviours learned as a single woman don't translate to married, family life. You can't just crawl into bed and cry! My most recent panic attack was last night and I'm still in the hang over recovery phase.  So we have abandoned the messy house and come to the beach. Its times like this I appreciate how Chad loves me through this and reassures me we will survive as a family even if we have to sell the house to clear our debt and live small (note: these are things he says to calm my panicked brain as he knows it makes me feel safe when I hear he will be by my side through thick and thin)...