Fear is a horrible thing to live with. And essentially that is what anxiety is, living in a state of fear. The annoying part is the fear for me is about what might happen. In the past, I have developed coping mechanisms that rely on me planning scenarios and how I will respond. This is partnered with how I will placate people so they don't get cross or disappointed in me.
This has approach served me pretty well but 2019 really showed me that it's not so easy to operate this way when you have a family of your own. Trying to manage their happiness as well as trying to help my sister and not let my Dad down has caused me too much self inflicted stress over the last couple of years. I say self inflicted because no one is asking me to work this way and in fact they desperately want me to be at peace! It is just how I was able to operate when I was single with a very high income. I could keep people happy, do things their way or use my money to help out others in need. I haven't yet learnt new methods to cope that better suit my life now. In a way I'm still trying to apply what I did as a kid when my parents were cross at me: go to the toilet, get a hanky and put my socks on, in other words try to do what I think they want.
Now with a lot less money, and three of us in the mix, I can't just do what I think would make my parents happy as that might not be the best for my family or even be what Mum and Dad actually want!!
Getting into debt to the family was probably in retrospect a bad decision given my desire to please. I live in fear that Dad will judge what we do and spend our money on vs what he would want us to do. I feel stressed navigating things between ensuring Chad is happy and Dad is happy.
Getting into debt to the family was probably in retrospect a bad decision given my desire to please. I live in fear that Dad will judge what we do and spend our money on vs what he would want us to do. I feel stressed navigating things between ensuring Chad is happy and Dad is happy.
I acknowledge that 90% of this is fear of my own creation, and that is what I have to learn to manage. And boy is it hard. My amygdala feels like has been in fight/flight mode for most of the year.
I can't turn back time so now I need to work out if I can learn to deal with this situation and challenge the fear reactions, or sell the house so that I dont have deal with it.
I know rationally that the first path is the one I must take, but it will be hard to calm the inner voice of fear.
I know rationally that the first path is the one I must take, but it will be hard to calm the inner voice of fear.
One day at a time.