Turning 50 is a weird milestone - I dont feel 50, and I dont really put a lot of weight behind milestone numbers. But I do like reflecting on life, and I feel I have grown, learnt from many of my mistakes, and lived a pretty great life.
The biggest change is watching just how much Grace has grown this year. Today I washed some of her baby clothes that I found so I can store them and it took me right back to when my whole clothes line had tiny little outfits on it.
This year, she everything has changed and I am in so much grief for the loss of some of the old routines, it hurts!! She is still my little button and I see that side of her when she is unsure or overwhelmed.
I need to manage my patience through these growing phases, as my sister said "give her space and grace". She is the kindest, funniest and sweetest girl and I love her so much that it honestly hurts. I hope she knows that. She seems to have all my worst moments front of mind that I wonder at times if she sees good things about me.
I try so hard to be a good mum, it is hard, there is no manual, there is only love and fear in equal quantities. All I want for her is a blessed, calm and happy life. I get so stressed thinking about the future, not because I doubt in her, but because I doubt in the world.
I find it so hard to let some of her harsh words bounce off me and when I am tired I dont react in the best way and then feel plagued with guilt afterwards.
I hope she remembers me as a good mum, a kind mum who only wanted the best for her and loved her with everything I have.