A Work In Progress

Tonight I'm feeling a bit lost. I feel like my body, and indeed my identity, is now being over run by my role as CBC (chief baby carrier). At times that is a wonderful feeling, very empowering to be creating life, to become a Mum. At other times, like tonight, I feel that my bump is all people see. I absolutely appreciate how selfish that sounds and I'm sorry for sounding that way. But when you have spent 38 years as a "me" it can be hard to get used to being "baby and me". I know my key role now is to grow, nurture and love my girl, and I'm more than happy to do that. I just hope that people can also see the Catherine behind the bump.

Last night we went to our first anti natal class. It was....interesting. I think Chad and I are both in two minds about whether we want to keep going, but we will give it another go. Three things I noticed; First impressions of meeting everyone (ten couples in total) is that we are OLD!! Oh Lord we are old. I know that I was expecting this, but I think Chad was genuinely surprised. I estimate that most are late 20s. All nice people, just made us both feel that we might find it hard to get common ground (beyond the common ground of being knocked up) Second thing is the trainer. Loads of experience, and as she admitted herself, she has developed some strong opinions on pregnancy and childbirth. I can see that she is trying to present a balanced, non judgemental view about options and choices, but every now and then I felt a wee bit judged as the choices I am making don't align with her beliefs. Final is that I am HUGE compared to other women at the same point in their pregnancy. Sigh...

Lovely long weekend  in Christchurch and Hanmer Springs. Great scenery, great friends and some awesome quotes from small people. Including: "Why is your tummy so fat?", "Does the baby fart in your tummy?" and my personal favourite, "If I keep tickling you, your baby will burst like a rocket out of your vagina."

Chad, Can you please talk to your daughter. She is clearly plotting an escape. She appears to have decided that my belly button is the easiest point of exit. (I now fear about her intelligence given that she has determined that the belly button is the path of least resistance..... but we will of course love her regardless). Anyway, she has been thumping on my tummy for two days now and it is getting ridiculous. I have explained to her that a) the exit point is NOT through my belly button, and b) she is not to come out of her room until January, but she is not listening. She also keeps MAKING me eat ice cream. And cheese. I think you need to talk with her about this, as I am struggling to influence her behaviour. Thanks, Catherine

On Sunday I turn 38. A bit of a scary number, but as I drove into work today I started to think about where I am at in my life.  My verdict, I am happy. All my life I dreamed about meeting a man who I could be my complete self with. And now I get to go to wake up with him every day. I dreamed about having a family. And now I have a wiggly little girl growing in me. The journey to date has taken twists and turns that have tested me, stressed me, bought me great reward and sometimes great fear. As I turn 38, I feel that those lessons learnt have been for a reason. I know the journey to go will be even harder.  I already feel so connected to my girl, my heart already aches to protect her and make sure her life has nothing but happiness in it. Can't imagine how overwhelming those emotions will feel when I meet her. And as for my wonderful man. He is teaching me trust. Teaching me that you don't need a "plan b" if you put your energy and focus in ...

So yesterday I had to take a friend to the hospital. As I was waiting for her, I noticed a child and her Mum, sitting behind me. Child had breathing and feeding tubes in, but overall was giggling and chatting as they waited. For some reason it affected me significantly, so much so that I burst into tears, and couldn't stop. Seriously couldn't stop, I was a mess.  Guess I was imagining the "what if" for my child. So that sounds vaguely reasonable reaction (okay, not really a rational reaction but I put it down to new parent worrying). But this morning I was at MacDonald's getting a coffee and a music video was playing on the screen there ('Stay' by Shakespeare's Sister for those wondering). For some reason that made me think about what would happen if I lost Chad and I got all teary again. Now I have just realised that the hem on my skirt has come down....tears starting to come again. Hormones, they make you a ridiculous person.