We are now back into the routine of school, activities and family time. With a slight blip last week with our third lock down, things are feeling a lot more normal from a routine perspective.
I continue to struggle with my medication, and have recently changed to a new one which is causing me great anxiety as well as a lot of nausea. It is so hard to be 'normal' in these situations when you feel fear, dread and generally unsettled. Last night I got so upset I crawled into Grace's bed to hold her close and keep her safe. She didn't remember but it made me feel safe for a while.
Work is causing me stress, I have a poor performer and am having to manage her closely to see if we need to manage her out. This is something I am very good at, my boss calls it my super power as I can manage people out of the business while still having them happy, engaged and positive about our workplace. This time is harder as the person is going through significant personal distress and I have so much empathy for her situations. But what it also means is that I have to pick up all the slack, making it absolutely exhausting at a time when I really have no reserves.
I just have to keep one foot in front of the other and stop looking for the next disaster to fall at my feet. And that's the issue with the anxiety, that constant feeling of impending doom - you are on the look out all the time, ready to "fight or flight" at a moments notice. Its exhausting so you retreat. Except when you can't, so you hold it inside.
I am very strong and I know I will get through this and it will pass in time. And everything I learn I will in time share with Grace to give her faith to believe she can tackle anything, even the bullies in her head.